Don't intentionally start a spark and then try to blow it out......
Let me tell you a story. Y'all are going to think I'm a complete idiot. And yes, I am a complete idiot because I still like him. I'm still interested. Yes, I'm dumb.
But allow me to explain myself.
He told me this would happen. He would push me away. He wouldn't let me get close to him. He told me that he would self sabotage. He told me I would either hate him or fall in love with him-there is no in-between. I don't know, maybe I saw it as a challenge. Or maybe I just liked the words he said just a little too much because it made me feel good. I felt special. Yes, the date on that screenshot is December.
Hmm, let me back up a little bit.
I've known this man for about 20 years. The conversations we had back in the day are lost in my memory somewhere but, I can tell you that what they say is true. You may forget what people say but you never forget the way they made you feel. He always made me feel good. Made me laugh. Picked on me fiercely, but in a lighthearted way. I truly enjoyed being around him. So, long story short, I had a huge freakin crush on him. Hard core. Seriously, pathetic, ridiculously watch him walk away to look at his ass CRUSH. He was a pretty boy. The girls drooled over him. I kept my crush to myself because I never thought in a million years that he would look at ME that way.
Fast forward to December. 20 years later. I came across his Facebook (yes, the dreaded evilness, the addiction, and quite possibly the love of my life that is Facebook.) So, I sent him a request, thinking that he probably wouldn't remember me anyway. I was happily surprised when he accepted and we started chatting.
He told me he used to have a crush on me. (Right? One of the oldest lines in the world....) He told me he used to think I was "perfect". Aww, smooth, right? He said things to me that I wanted to believe so badly, but given my history, I was skeptical. I mean, come on, the man hasn't aged a day! Drop dead sexy gorgeous, OMG.....the crush came back like a brick in my face. Damn it.
I found myself doing what I usually do and what I usually do scares people away: I talk too much. I overshare. I try to get to know someone as fast as I possibly can when I am interested in them. I wanted to know what he'd been up to since the last time we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to know how his life has been; how it is now. We talked about catching up. We even said things like "what is this?", "this could be the start of something awesome", "getting to know each other again will be fun", , and my personal favorite, "I'll hold you to that". I thought I was talking too much and I didn't want to overwhelm him or push him away. He said to me once "Why haven't you stalked me today?" I said "I didn't want to annoy you" and he said "Maybe I like that". I told him, "I'm not going anywhere".
Not that there were any promises made on either side. There wasn't. I'm not going to lie, though. I really hoped that it was SOMETHING. I've been single for 2 years. It was nice to feel butterflies again. Hope can be a real bitch sometimes......And did I mention how awesome he is?
But then, something happened. I don't know what exactly. All I know is that he had a bad day and suddenly his Facebook was gone. Deactivated. It was back a week later. 2 days after that, gone again.
WTF, right? I thought things were going well and he ghosted.
He was off Facebook for a month. I noticed right away when he came back. At first, I tried to ignore him. Fought myself daily on whether I should send him a message or not. I wanted to yell at him. WHERE WERE YOU!?
But, no. I didn't. I reeled in my crazy real fast and I waited....and waited...and waited. I did finally send him a message. I'm not going to quote anything but the conversation felt different. Not like it was before. It was as if those 3 weeks we talked didn't happen. That's what it felt like to me anyway. I didn't feel right bringing up the conversations we had or even bringing up the fact that I MISSED HIM terribly while he was gone. He never gave me his number so, Facebook was the only way I could contact him. So, I felt "ghosted". Ignore it and it'll go away? Not me. I'm annoying like that. Sorry.
So, there were a few conversations, about nothing. Not really anyway. It didn't feel the same and I felt that if I brought anything up, he would disappear again. I didn't want that to happen. (Fuckin crushes, man, I swear....UGH.)
So, last night he posts a status about being single, not dating that much and about having anxiety about talking to a girl he truly likes. He said he wished that girls had the balls to make the first move. I'll be honest, my first thought was "Fuck it, I'm gonna ask him out on a date. He'll probably laugh at me, but fuck it." And I seriously was going to. (My best friend thinks I'm dumb as fuck right now; she thinks he's a coward and an asshole with mental issues.)
I posted what I thought was a witty comment. Literally minutes later, the whole post was gone. Then, his Facebook said "Content not available" and messenger said that I could no longer reply to any of the messages between us.
Gone off my list. Not even a "this account has been deactivated"....just gone. So, I think I was unfriended and blocked. Ouch.
At this point, I should be thinking, "Ok. I'm done. Fuck him." But damn it....(fuckin crushes!!)
I am the biggest idiot in the world. Seriously. Obviously, I'm not someone that he wants to stay in contact with. So why do I still want to talk to him??? WHY? Because I'm dumb.
He said there was no in-between. I'd either hate him or fall in love with him. Well, guess what, love? I'm right smack in the fucking middle.
I don't hate anyone, but I'm sure as hell not in love, either.
But, damn it....I could have been.
And that's what scares me the most.
And if by some chance you are reading this, I'm still here. I told you I'm not going anywhere. I meant it. I'm really not interested in dating anyone else right now. That won't always be the case, though. I'll let it go eventually or someone else will grab my attention. Who knows, I might meet someone tomorrow at the gym. You have my number, text me. (I would say call, but I don't answer calls from numbers I don't have....so, leave a message at the beep...beeeeeeeeeeeep...)
I'm just going to focus on work, my kids, and my workouts (down 8 pounds! Woot!!). I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I don't like feeling like a punchline in some joke that I'm not going to understand.....and if I am just a joke to you, just fuckin tell me. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. It's not like I haven't been rejected before. LOL I'm the Friend Zone Queen, baby. I'm not mad at ya and I'll still be your friend no matter what. THAT is a promise. You said to me once, "If you are interested in me, you shouldn't hide it." Well, here it is, doll. Can't get any clearer, right??
Some will call me pathetic. Clingy. Desperate. However, I am NONE of those. I've been single for 2 years and I am happy with myself and my life. I'm just a girl with a big heart and a human being with feelings......and there's not a damn thing wrong with that.
Almost 39 years old with a crush. How fucking ridiculous is that?? I hate acting like a weepy teenager. I'm too old for this shit, but alas, here I am.
I'm still here. Where are YOU?
Till next time, y'all <3
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