I saw a post on Facebook not long ago that got me thinking. This post was about a couple who had been married, I dunno, 60 years or something like that who had died within hours of each other. A couple in their 90s. I'm sure it's made it's way around all the social media sites. Talking about true love and all that. Soulmates and whatnot. Kinda makes me sad that I am at an age where I will never celebrate a golden anniversary with anyone....that is, unless I live to be 100 years old. Who knows, it still may be possible, but I doubt it.
But that's okay. I have love in my life.
There are so many kinds of love. The love you have for your family, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for special people in your life.
My heart is full of love. It's basically who I am. My world revolves around it. Pretty funny for a single gal, I know, but stay with me here.
Besides the obvious, family and close friends, I wanna talk about the special people.
Those people who come into your life and make you see and feel things in a different way. Those that open your eyes to different perspectives. Those people that you just feel connected to in a way that makes them your favorite people.
I'm not talking about being in love with someone. You can love a person without being IN love with them. You can love someone's mind. Someone's thoughts. Someone's view of the world and those around them. I know and love several people who are like this.
I'm not in love with anyone. I'm not currently in a relationship with someone. I am free to see whomever I want. Not only is nobody asking, there's no one whom I am interested in seeing....except one. However, we're at different places mentally, emotionally. So, it is what it is. No promises, no demands, no expectations. The way he wants it.
I wonder if I should walk away. Sometimes, I want to, but I know I can't. He's special. No, I'm not in love. I could be if I allowed myself, but when a man says "Don't get attached to me"....that's a clear sign not to walk down that particular road. Doesn't matter how much we have in common. It doesn't matter that we could talk for hours. It doesn't matter that we could sit in silence and not worry about filling it with words. It doesn't matter that I don't get nervous around him, that there is only a comfortable relaxation. It doesn't matter that I like the way I feel when I'm with him. Perhaps he and I are just meant to be friends who can talk to each other about anything without fear of judgement. He has such a beautiful soul and a kind heart. He truly is an amazing person. I'd love to explore more than friendship with him and he knows that. Again, he's made it clear that he's not ready for more than that. I will respect that and just continue to be there for him when he needs to talk. I will continue to spend as much time with him as I am able. I will be his friend unless by some miracle, he decides he wants more. (A girl can dream, right?) Meanwhile, I will just enjoy whatever time I get and I will not invest my heart, unless he asks me to.
Who knows, I may meet someone who is looking for what I have to offer. Someone who wants only me. Someone who will appreciate everything I am and love me for me. For the person I am on the inside, not what the world sees. Someone who won't care how much I weigh. Someone who I've been praying for since the last time I got my heart shattered into pieces. A lot of time and patience has put my heart back together. So, I'm very cautious of who I will let in my heart in a romantic way. Sad that after only about 4 months, there is someone who could just walk right in if they decided they wanted to. That is not going to happen anytime soon, so my heart is safe. I refuse to fall in love with someone who has no interest in falling for me. I'm grateful to have gotten to know him. It's nice to be friends with someone who has some of the same thoughts you do. Makes you feel less alone.
I've just got to keep that "what if" out of my head and the "why not?" My imagination is too vivid for those thoughts. I'm not in love with him, but I love the person that he is. Why would someone that amazing want me anyway? Then I think to myself, why not? I'm just as amazing as he is. I've got to stop letting my little insecurities keep me from at least trying. Who knows what will happen. Just gotta live day by day and see how it goes. My happy little ass will be okay either way.
Hell, he might read this and decide to never speak to me again. It's happened before, why should he be any different?
Because I'd like to think that he IS different.
Even if I am just "practice".
Whatever is going to happen, will happen.
What's meant to happen, will happen.
What's not meant to happen, won't.
.......I guess we'll see how it plays out. Meanwhile, I'll just be over here, overthinking.
It's just who I am.
loves y'all <3
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