39??? WHAT? HOW did that happen???

So, tomorrow is my 39th birthday. Seems to be a good time for some self reflection, yes? Sure, why not?
Hmmm, let's see....where to begin....

You know, I never thought in a million years my life would go the way it did. I had my first child at 22...married at 23...2nd child 4 days before my 24th birthday.  Got arrested a couple months after my 25th birthday (that's a whole OTHER blog post....charges were dropped and let's leave it at that for now, shall we? Yes, we shall) Started college at 26, graduated at 29....divorced at 29; remarried and started a career at 30 and divorced AGAIN at 32 and only one significant relationship since (which has been over for about 2 years now)
There's so many things between all those milestones. This life I have lived the past 38 years has been full of ups and downs, but I wouldn't change a thing. It's funny how things go. When I was a teenager I was certain I wouldn't make it to 30 and now here I am only a year away from 40. 40!?!?!! My emo teenage self would be in shock right now. That little bitch would have been right if I didn't have my kids. I truly believe that they have saved my life on more than one occasion. I have so much to be thankful for.

I have a job and I'm currently trying to further my career with the company. Just a matter of time. I love what I do; it's not my life's passion, but I enjoy it; it pays the bills and I have awesome coworkers.
My teenage boys are growing up so fast! It's crazy how the time flies. My oldest has his permit AND a job now;  my youngest isn't far behind him. I try not to think of the fact that they will both be 18 in less than three years and they won't need Mama much anymore. *sigh*
I used to be afraid of being alone.  Until I was alone.  I was down for awhile. Going through the motions. Almost as bad as I was the 2 years following my 2nd divorce (very dark times, indeed); but not quite as bad. I just felt lost for awhile.
The thing with being alone is that eventually, you forget you're alone. You pass the time doing things that you want to do. Time goes by and you realize that you like spending time with yourself. Eventually, you see how awesome you really are. That feeling when you realize that you are okay with being alone, well it's intensely freeing. I'm not saying that I don't get lonely sometimes, because I do. What I am saying is that you don't have to STAY in that lonely place.

I know that seems impossible to some. There are others who need help to see how truly amazing they are. Some who can't let go of their past. Some who can't silence that voice inside them that tells them lies. To those people, I just want to tell them all that it's ok. You'll get there. I promise.
It's okay to break down. It's okay to be depressed. Feel what you are feeling. YOU ARE ALLOWED and are entitled to your emotions. Own them. Feel them. But try not to let them consume YOU. You are in there. You are amazing. You are worth it. So keep fighting. You WILL get there. You know how I know? Because I GOT THERE. I still have my down days. There are days it's a fight just to get out of bed, but no matter how bad of a day, I'm always glad that I got out of that bed. You just have to remind yourself of the good things in your life. The people you love. The people who love you. Look in the mirror and smile. Even if it's not a real smile. Keep doing it. Eventually, that smile will be real. Eventually, you will be able to smile and feel good about yourself. The thing is, no one can do it for you. You've got to pick yourself up and believe that you are worth it; because trust me, YOU ARE.

What's this got to do with my birthday, you may be asking...? This is what I've learned in my life. I've learned to let go of past hurts. The disappointments. The depression still comes and goes, but I always fight it. It's an ongoing battle and you know what? I'm a fucking warrior.
I'm not someone special. I'm not super intelligent; I'm not "wise". I just have an understanding of things that I feel others need to have. I wish I could share it with the world so everyone could feel the peace that I have come to know (most of the time anyway lol) I'd like to be able to lift up the whole world, but I can't. I wish I could hug everyone who is hurting. Take away the worries and the sadness. But I can't. I can only encourage and try to be a light to others. Even if it's only one person. Even if it's only for one day.

So that's my thoughts for the night. I'm going to get comfortable and relax.

Here's to another year above ground. Thank you, Lord for I am truly grateful.

Loves y'all <3