*sigh* I swear I am so sick of whining....the funk I've been in lately is seriously getting on my last dang nerve. I should be feeling pretty damn good these days. Work is going great. I got a raise, getting more hours, and I actually enjoy my job. Not many can say that.
My family is great and healthy. The boys are growing up so fast and they are constantly amazing me. They are my world.
So work has been busy and I've had trouble getting to sleep. Then, when I do get to sleep, I have weird dreams and most of the time I can't remember anything about them. Leaves me in a weird mood the rest of the day. Frustrating.
So, what's been up with me? Not a lot, really. A bunch of thinking. Trying to kill this "cougar crush" I have going on...(not literally, sheesh...) Anyway, this guy is awesome and it's not really a secret; he's just nice enough not to bring it up or talk about it; ya know, since he's obviously not interested in me that way. Yay, friend zone!! I'm starting to think I'm the Queen of the Friend Zone. *sigh*
Anyway, I'm starting to think I'm unable to fall in love again. I keep developing these crushes on guys who are either not interested, only interested in getting laid, or are geographically or emotionally unavailable or have commitment issues. I don't know why I do that....maybe in the back of my mind, I know I can just admire from a distance and not really put any effort into finding something real. Who knows? Not only do I have issues, I think I've got whole subscriptions....(lmao) I'm a psychological mess these days...hahaha
Nahh....not really. I should be happy. I have everything I need in my life and sure there's a huge void where a man should be; but I don't NEED a man to be happy. Yeah, I've been down lately....really down and lonely. Maybe I just put out that vibe that I don't trust or maybe I'm bitter and jaded. I find it hard to believe anything a guy says to me; especially if it's a compliment. I don't know what's up with that.
I'm finally pretty comfortable in my own skin. Bought some workout stuff and been using it. Not as often as I should; but my hours at work and energy level have effected that. My clothes are fitting better but I haven't really lost much weight (according to my scale anyway). I got new adorable glasses and some new clothes that flatter my figure. (*I think*) My hair looks great. It's finally growing some more and in a few months I can get the rest of the dang blonde cut out of it and I'll have my natural color back. My nails look like claws! haha, I love it, tho....I bought some new polish and some new makeup and I've actually been wearing it a lot.
I've felt pretty good about myself.
Still lonely....and yeah, I hate it. I've got some really great friends that I talk to but I really am starting to sound like a broken record. I sound desperate to my own ears, I can only imagine what they think!!
I'm a great person! I'm fun to be around, I love to laugh and I have a huge heart full of love that has yet to be claimed. Yeah, I'm going to be super picky about who I give my love to; after all that I've been through, I HAVE to. I'm one broken heart away from swearing off love altogether, just raising my kids, and becoming the crazy cat lady...(lmao) I have this problem, tho. I honestly thought I COULD fall in love with someone, thought that it might actually happen not long ago; but that ended awkwardly. I did LIKE him. I liked him a lot, but other than attraction, I felt nothing else for him. Don't get me wrong, I care about him and he's still a friend (see...collecting friends...lol) but I wasn't anywhere near falling in love with him.
I guess it doesn't help that sometimes my ex husband seeps into my brain and I get to remembering things and good times and then I start to miss his stupid ass. *sigh* I then remind myself of what he did to me and the things he's done since and I have to shake it off. Push it aside...whatever I have to do to get him out of my mind. It's hard because I blame him for this new outlook on relationships. He changed everything in my mind and now I have to work on changing what HE changed. (if that makes any sense at all...)
I have to stop letting my disappointments in love affect how I think of it now. Love is not what has hurt me in the past...love is what heals that hurt. The circumstances is what has hurt me. Actions of others is what has hurt me. Love is what makes everything better....damn near two years later, I've yet to find the love that could heal what has been broken in me. I've healed myself, but there's that part in your heart that only heals with new love. Wow, that sounded corny. Hmph. Anyway....
I feel myself becoming bitter and I don't like it. I see happy couples and I think to myself "Wonder how many times that guy has cheated on her?" or "Wonder what he sneaks off to do behind her back?" I mean, seriously?? I KNOW not all men are like that so why all of a sudden am I thinking that way?? It's not right and not fair to the awesome guys in the world that I KNOW exist.
I know there's someone out there for me and it just frustrates me that he hasn't found me yet.
Hello out there!! I'm waiting on you!! Hurry up before I give up completely!!
My mind is all over the place and I'm a walking contradiction. In one sentence I say "F*ck love!!" and the next sentence, I'm all about, "I want to love again; I know it's out there somewhere."
Yeah, welcome to my brain.
Is it so bad to want someone special in my life? Is it so bad to want someone to hold me and tell me I'm special and beautiful? Is it so bad to want someone to come home to; to relax and watch TV together? Or do anything together, really....someone to share my life with and who wants to share their life with me?
Doesn't EVERYONE want that?? I don't care what some say...those that claim they don't WANT that are in denial and just believe that they will never find it, so they just pretend they don't want it anyway. You know, like when you're little and you accidentally break you favorite toy? You say, "Oh well, I didn't want it anyway." Knowing that deep down your little heart was broken. Those people need to stop lying to themselves. Those people are too afraid of getting hurt. I know this because that's what I say! "I don't want a man, I'm fine all by myself" NO, I'm NOT. I can live without that kind of love in my life. I won't die without it. However, it doesn't mean that it's not the one thing I want most in the world.
I have too much love inside me to let it go to waste....I have too much to offer a man to not be open to the possibility of sharing it all with someone special.
....and I know he's out there somewhere.....he HAS to be....
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