Oh my brain.....

Oh, me; oh, my....been awhile. Well, let's see if we can untangle the mess in my head tonight, shall we?


First off, boys can be dumb.... and men can be somewhat dumber. Ha! Yeah, I said it.  No, I'm not generalizing them ALL. I said "can be"....I'm not bashing on ALL males. Just to make that clear.


So, apparently, I've been highly emotional lately. Blah blah blah....it's that time of year folks. Seasonal Depression...."the winter blues"; whatever you want to call it. It's the time of year where I get all whiny. Yup, I said that, too.  Why do I whine? Well, because just when I think I may have gotten somewhere, a door gets slammed in my face. So what, I turn around and find another door. Simple as that.


But this time of year....oh, you don't want me to get started on that. The holidays, New Year's...the time where you reflect on what a waste the entire year was and you try to figure out what you can do to make the next one better; when you know damn well, you aren't going to do anything differently. Sure, you may have every intention of putting those smokes down, getting those last 10 pounds (or 30lbs...lol) off, clearing your mind and starting fresh and new. It's all a load of bull anyway. I applaud those who actually stick with it tho.
But, I digress. 


What have I been up to lately?  Friend speeches, a younger man, an old crush, a more recent crush, ex drama and car repairs. Yup. My life has been a barrel of laughs. (/sarcasm)
The friend speech I received when looking for that second chance I blogged about a couple months ago. yeah...we talked about "hooking up" but, in the end, it just didn't happen. Kinda hurt my feelings all over again. Sometimes I think I'll never learn.
The younger man....oh such a sweet guy....11 years younger than me. Gave great hugs and had such soft lips. *sigh* Sad we didn't have much in common. Sometimes I wonder if I gave him enough of a fair chance; considering he did everything right. He was only 22 for God's sake...I would feel bad if I broke his heart; so I had to actually give the friend speech.
Ahh, the old crush....some detailed online conversations that more than entertained me. Was a nice ego boost, too bad I know his heart wasn't in some of the things he said to me. I was merely "safe conversational fun" for him. Still kinda wish it was more, tho. *sigh* But as I always say, I don't get my hopes up. LOL
The recent crush.....hmmm, this one I'm keeping to myself for awhile. I haven't abandoned all hope with this one yet. LOL
Ex drama--Omg. I didn't mean to tell. Honest. I accidentally gave Karma a little nudge. Sent my ex an email, detailing a lot of anger I had toward him and the way he treated me. The fact that he was still having sex with me over a year into his relationship with the girl he cheated on me with did not sit well with her when she got to that particular email before he did. Not my fault. At least it's all out in the open now and I no longer have to hide the secret I've kept bottled up for so long. It actually got her and I talking and ya know, she's ok people. She deserves better than him, but I give her kudos for trying to work it out with him. I truly wish them all the best. He may hate me now (and I really don't care) but I have a new friend. 


and my car....good grief if it's not one thing it's another!! It's sitting dead in my driveway again. I've got a way to work tomorrow, so no big deal at the moment but seriously, when is this crap gonna give?? I had finally gotten everything fixed and the check engine light went out and my stereo was rewired and everything was running great; until today.  I'm crossing my fingers and hoping and praying that it's something simple that's not expensive to fix.
Christmas put me behind on my bills, so I've got to get caught up. BUT, the look on my kids' faces was totally worth it.


So what now?? I've been doing a lot of thinking about some of the things I've said and done over the last few weeks. To be honest, I haven't really been acting like the me that I know I am. I should be ashamed of some of the conversations I've had; but I'm not. Not really. LOL
All in good fun, right? I've put myself out there, took some risks (some that blew up in my face) but ya know, at least I didn't keep quiet. I didn't shy away.
I know I can be a little insecure. I know I can be a bit whiny. I know some of the things I say about relationships may make me look "desperate"; but I'm not. I can be just fine on my own; I know that because I've done it the past year and a half. Do I get lonely? OF COURSE. I know that throwing myself at the first guy who is willing to take my clothes off isn't the way to find love. I know bitching about being alone is not going to get anywhere either. I express myself the way I express myself because it's the only way I know how. This is me, the true me and I don't usually hold much back. 
Some people may see that as a weakness, but I don't care.  Some say that I put "too much" out there and it may scare away potential prospects. Some say it makes me look pathetic and desperate (man, I hate that word).  People can say what they want and think how they want; I've always been a little too open about my feelings. You never know what will happen if you keep it all inside. Besides, it's not healthy to keep it all bottled up anyway. 
I've found that the trick is to not put your heart into something unless you know it's worth the pain it may cause. Yeah, sometimes I forget that and let myself hope that something may pan out. But I get that wall back up in no time flat. My heart is well protected these days. Yes, I develop a crush here and there; but I try not to  put too much  hope into any of them. If something happens, great. If not, oh well....NEXT. LOL


So yeah, I get depressed about it sometimes. So what?? It's normal. It's human emotion. We all have them, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. The sadness is only temporary. True there is a void only love can fill, but life goes on, with or without it.. The trick is to be happy with what you have and don't dwell on what you don't. Sometimes, I forget that. But I have awesome friends who kick me in my ass when it's necessary and if that don't work....well....there's always Smirnoff Ice. ;-)