Numb...

So, here I am, again....a thousand thoughts in my mind that want out.  I recently attended my 15 year class reunion and it left me wondering how people see me. I mean, I KNOW me...but I often wonder what goes on in the minds of others when they see me, talk to me, or are around me for more than an hour or so. Do they see the REAL me?  I wonder if my insecurities show. I wonder if those who know of the events of my life see me differently as they did before. I know I don't smile as much as I used to, but I am happy with my life. Sure there are key elements missing, but as a whole, I love who I am. I have my quirks, like everyone does, but I wonder how much recent events of my life have truly changed who I am inside.
 Am I skittish when it comes to men now? Probably so. But there is a difference between skittish/scared and permanently scarred. I hope that is not the case. I want to love again. I truly do....I just don't know if I can. I know that every man I come across is not going to hurt me. I know that not every man is the man who shattered me. But the thing is, I never thought in a million years that that particular man would do what he did. So, how can I trust my OWN judgement? How can I trust anything that I may feel? How do I know what is real when everything in my past was lies? 
I can't even trust my own instincts anymore. I'm usually wrong in the end. 
But I keep going...and I have hope and faith that I will find love again someday....I just hope that I am not too numb to realize it when it does come around.....
<3