From The Gut...

*For those who struggle with depression, you are not alone....* I've only allowed one person to read this so far and I debated on whether I would post it or not, but ya know, writing is all about feelings and pouring your soul into it. So, like it or not, this is me....with no apologies.

(Written 4-22-10)

It threatens to engulf me; tries to seep into my thoughts. I fight it daily. The urge to hide from everything—everyone—is so strong at times. I have to remind myself that I am stronger.

I continue to fight it.

It’s hard to not give up—let it take me.

Sometimes I want to just curl up into a corner of a dark room and cry…

Cry….for the dreams I didn’t pursue

…for the love that died due to indifference and absence…

…for the little redheaded daughter I’ll never have because I believed I would only be married once…

…for what I thought was my second chance….what I thought was my true love…the happiness that blew up in my face in under two years of “wedded bliss”…

…for time….all this time has gone by and yet, I am still alone…

Cry…because I feel like something inside of me is broken and unlovable and I am scared that I may not be capable of loving again…

….because I don’t want my sons to see their mommy sad and lonely…

….because, somehow, I’m never enough—not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough….

BUT I AM STRONG ENOUGH…

I refuse to let it take me….I refuse to dwell on these things…I know there is a light somewhere…

…it will find me and strengthen the fight in me…

I won’t want to run and hide

It won’t threaten to engulf me…it won’t be able to penetrate my thoughts…it will be nothing to me….

….because I am STRONG….and in time, I will be even stronger….

So until then….I will continue to fight….with hope in my heart…