There's an anger inside me. It doesn't come out often. Usually, it comes out suddenly and thankfully when no one else is around to witness it. It's a sad anger.
Karma sure is a funny thing. Just waiting on some good Karma to visit me. Where's that bitch when I need her, huh? LOL I'm a happy girl. I love my job (finally!), my bills are paid, my kids are healthy and happy. There is nothing more I should need in my life.
Except someone to share it with.
So happy for all of my friends finding love. Getting engaged, married, and having babies. It's a beautiful thing to see.
I'm starting to think my time has passed.
Those who've broken my heart over the years; happy and in love. How fair is that? Not that I haven't forgiven, because I have. I have moved on and so have they. I have everything I've ever wanted for myself. I'm a good person.
Yet I was lied to, cheated on, and hurt with pain I thought I wouldn't survive. It took me so long to get through it all. I'm finally ready to give it another go. But I'm alone and starting to think that I won't find love again and it sure as hell not bothering to look for me. Tried online dating and that was a joke....and a huge wake up call. I was getting a lot of messages, so I decided to see what would happen if they saw more than just my face. I posted a picture that showed me from head to toe. It took a few days, but the messages stopped. It hurt a little, but it didn't surprise me at all. Sad how predictable some men can be. I'm not a size 2 but it's not like I'm disgustingly morbidly obese and I AM working on it. For myself. Not for some man. Being more active and eating healthier for ME and my kids; so I can feel better physically.
Some men want perfection and some don't really care about the person inside. Of course, my trip to California didn't help. Professionally, it was an amazing experience. I learned a lot. However, it's freaking California. Pretty people. Thin people. Everywhere. And the mirrors. So many mirrors reminding me of how different I am and what I am not. Leaving me to wonder if I'll ever be good enough.
The only thing left to do is say "fuck it" and give up. That's not me, though. There will always be a tiny spark of hope left in me. That there will someday be someone who will not only accept me the way that I am, but they will love every single part of me. That someone will look beyond my body and care about all of me. Someone who will laugh with me and not only be a lover, but a friend. A part of me will always believe that someday will happen; even if the rest of me is just trying to learn to live without that kind of love in my life. Hell, I can't even get a date....LOL
It's so funny though....I've got a few guys that I talk to....flirt with....but I know that it's not something that will go anywhere with any of them. Gotta love the "flirtationships" eh? All talk.
So it's whatever. See this as me whining; boo hoo, fat girl can't get a date.... I don't care. Just had some thoughts in my head that needed to get out. I'm angry and needed to vent. I'm tired of being alone, however, I'm preparing myself for the very real possibility that I won't get my happily ever after and it really pisses me off sometimes.
Maybe someday I'll be surprised....maybe someday doesn't exist for me. Either way, I'll face it with a smile on my face and perhaps my middle finger in the air.
....and while I'm at it, FUCK YOU, Karma....I'll still be a good person even while you are rewarding cheaters and liars with happiness and love and all I get is being lonely. I'll still be a good person while sitting at home on the weekends, filling my time with television shows, books, and wine. I'll still be a good person even if I say you are a fucked up bitch and you need to do your damn job.
Yeah, Karma....I'm talking to you. What are you going to do about it??
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