What now....?

I finally feel as if a chapter in my life has finally closed. It feels good to say after all this time, I really am TRULY over him. There's so much I have learned about myself in the last 3 years, it amazes me.

He took up so much space in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, that I couldn't open up to anyone. I tried. A few times, but I could never let myself truly fall for anyone else. We had a long overdue talk and I'm not sure why or how, but I finally let go of him. And I have my friend back. It feels good, yet bittersweet, because it'll never be the same as before. But he's my friend again and knowing that just made the letting go easier. After all this time.....now what?

The void that was in my heart because I loved him and couldn't be with him is still there. However, it's a different kind of void. I'm lonelier now than I've ever been. Kinda lost. Wondering....wandering....trying to navigate my heart in a new way that I don't think I've ever had to do before. I'll always love him, but it's changed. I know that I will no longer pine for him when I hear certain songs, I won't long to be with him, in his arms....not anymore. That part of my life is over.

I find myself thinking about my past. Some mistakes I've made. However, without those mistakes, my life wouldn't be what it is and I would be a completely different person, therefore, I have no regret.

It's not like me to NOT be "crushing" on someone. There's always a  passing interest in someone, but not right now. It's like I've completely given up. Not that it's not something that I won't always want, I just seem to have lost hope that it will ever happen. At least not long term.

I guess I'm the girl that just can't be with someone for very long. Not sure what it is about me, but there's always something that pushes them away. I may not understand it, but I feel that if someone truly cares about me and wants to be with me, then he'll patiently break down every wall I've built over the last 3 years. You know what they say "If I'm not worth the wooing, then you're not worth the winning"

For once, I want a man who will fight for me. Keep trying when I push him away, because I know I will. Terrified of history repeating itself, I guess. But the right one won't give up, right?? I have to believe that someday there will be a man who will fight for me. Because if I can't believe that, well....then I'd be truly and utterly lost....
....so what now???