Awake...

You ever feel like you've been sleeping for a very long time and all of a sudden you're wide awake? Eyes wide open, seeing things in a new light? Feeling things after months (ok, a year and a half) of being numb?
....You'd think that it would be a good thing and in a way, it was. I was annoyingly happy for about 3 days. Now I'm just kinda floating. Seriously, I am happy with my life (and I know I keep saying this, but no one seems to believe me...lol), but when you "wake up" to realizations and then realize it may be too late to correct certain things, well, it kinda bums ya out. Especially when it comes to someone who you let down. I'm not going to say I hurt him, because quite honestly, I don't know if I did...he doesn't really talk about feelings to a degree to where I'd get an impression either way. I know he was disappointed when I told him I only wanted to be friends. Beyond that, I don't know. He won't really talk to me. Well, I guess I should say he won't open up. I don't blame him. The whole "once bitten, twice shy" thing.
The thing is, I didn't know where things were going; I didn't know if he wanted a relationship (he never SAID) or if he considered us "dating" at the time. We hung out and watched movies, went out to dinner once, and he helped me out tremendously when my car broke down (still owe him $200 for that, another source of stress for me...but that'll be taken care of soon, I HOPE)
We didn't really talk much when we hung out. We watched movies and would chit chat, but not about anything "deep"....let alone our feelings. Would things have turned out differently had he spoken up about how he felt? I dunno...all I know, is that I got scared and I was still hurting from the divorce and dealing with all that nonsense emotional  baggage from that. 
Now that all that nonsense is behind me, I find myself thinking about him constantly.
It's not fair. LOL 
Who knows what will happen. We've been talking a little, but he doesn't seem to want to reconnect with me in that way. All I know is that suddenly, I'm awake and missing him. I miss just sitting here watching movies with him. Laughing at silly things. Seeing him smile and look at his feet before he walked to his car.
He once said that I was "beautiful and intelligent".....*sigh* I'm not feeling like I'm much of either right now. Just wish there was a way for him to feel that for me again. Not sure if I should just give up or keep trying.
I guess time will tell....