Hello, hello!
I just felt the need to blog tonight. I've got so much stuff swirling around in my brain lately; I feel I should get it out of my head. Ever feel like that?
I know that there aren't that many people reading this. I do this more for myself anyway. So, it's all good.
Life is good. I go to work, I come home. Good and monotonous. I'm so BORED. I'm going to have to force myself to actually participate in real life. There is more to life than work and home. My teenagers are getting to the point where there are some weekends that they are not here. They are old enough to hang out at home without me if I have plans. The thing is, I've spent so many years turning down invitations either because I didn't have a babysitter or I just didn't feel like doing anything. Nowadays, my social life is Facebook. I don't have many close friends. I can seriously count on one hand the people I would like to hang out with, however, my bestie lives out of state and anyone else I'd hang with, well, they have significant others to hang with or their work schedule is completely different than mine.
So, what to do? Find more friends. Meet new people. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong.
Somewhere along the line I've developed some weird social anxiety and I honestly don't know what to do about it. If I go anywhere social, I refuse to go alone. I don't like to walk in ANYWHERE by myself. If I'm meeting someone somewhere, I text from the car and make them come out to meet me. That's insane, right?
I had a dating profile for awhile. Got plenty of messages and probably could have went on a few dates, but there was always SOMETHING that made me back off. I always hesitated. Of course, some of the time, I was right to hesitate. I've gone on exactly ONE date in the last 2 years (before that I was in a relationship....and there weren't many dates there, either). That date was a guy who thought it would be cool to get drunk while we were watching a movie and he wouldn't keep his hands off of me. I seriously had to threaten to throat punch him if he didn't stop licking my ear and get his hand off my thigh. The last guy I almost went out on a date with had some serious issues and when I told him I changed my mind about our date, he proceeded to tell me that I looked like Benjamin Franklin when I wore my glasses, that I was built like a football player, and that I don't have a "fat ass." Do I know how to pick them or what?? LOL So, yeah, no more dating profiles. I don't have much luck.
I have a gym membership, which would be a great way to meet new people. However, I find myself not wanting to go alone or when me and the boys do go, we go late on a Saturday night in hopes that no one else will be there. Well, my hopes anyway. Goes back to the social anxiety. It's not like I think someone will make fun of me; how rude would that be? It's just I don't know why I feel weird about working out in front of people. My brain is so wonky right now and I'm not sure why. Maybe that seasonal depression is showing up a little late. I've kept the depression at bay pretty well for awhile now. I guess it was only a matter of time before it reared it's ugly head again. I've found myself sleeping too much on the weekends and having a hard time falling asleep at night during the week. I've hit a mental roadblock somewhere and I'm not sure how to get rid of it.
Maybe it was the stress that came with the fact that my son almost got expelled and there was a lot of drama going on with his school situation. Long story short, I transferred him to an online school. There was meetings with the assistant principal, a lawyer, an expulsion hearing and all that jazz, but that's a completely different blog post. The exhaustion and mental stress of all that just done me in. Now that it's over, maybe it has just thrown off my equilibrium. Who knows. Maybe just typing this out here will help, I have no clue. I've been slacking on my workouts, I'm not going to lie. I'm seriously going to get back to it tomorrow, but they have been sporadic lately. I was doing at least 5 miles a day on my recumbent bike and lifting some small weights to work on my arms, as well. I was working HARD. I've lost 12 pounds and I'm stuck. Maybe that has been discouraging but my clothes are fitting better and I'm still losing inches off my waist and thighs. I'm not going to throw all that work away just to stop now! No way!
Someone recently confessed that they are in love with me. I have mixed emotions about that. Considering I was in a relationship with this man off and on for about 4 years, it's hard to ignore and it's hard to not be excited that after all this time he finally said it. It's a catch 22, though. We can't be together and we both have been trying to move on. Not that I don't miss him, he was the closest person to me for a long time and that's hard to ignore. However, the breakup was painful for me. The few months before the breakup was painful for me. So many nights I cried wishing that he would just say the words and show just a hint of emotion toward me. I'm not saying this to make him look bad, he is a good person. I honestly think he didn't know how to show or say how he felt about me. In the end, that was a lot of the reason I had to let him go. There were other things that factored into it, but if I was going to feel lonely, I would rather feel lonely because I was alone rather than feel alone when there was someone with me. For the longest time, I regretted breaking it off. I knew he'd go where he needed to go....which is 1700 miles away. That's where he's been for the last 2 years and although we still communicate through facebook, I know that he is where he is supposed to be. I just wonder if he said it out of loneliness and maybe a little nostalgia. He has a life there and I honestly believe that he will meet someone and be happy. I wish nothing but the best for him. I will always care about him and a part of me will always love him, but in a different way. I just think that he and I are not meant to be together. I accepted that a long time ago.
All in all, there's some changes I need to make in my life and I'm the only one that can do it. I need to get out more. I need to meet new people. I need to reconnect with old friends. I need to start living my life instead of just watching it go by. I just need to DO SOMETHING and I'm just not sure what that is. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm so proud of the young men my sons have become. So smart and talented in their own ways. It's just that now that they are older, they don't need Mama as much as they used to. So now I need to find something for me.
I'm open to suggestions......just sayin.
Until next time folks.
loves y'all <3
Cass
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