Hello,
I miss our conversations. You really had me going. Thinking that something amazing was about to begin. You told me I'm "just as beautiful" as you remembered, that I'm still Cass.
Well, I am still the Cass you remember, however, life has changed certain things about me. I'm still annoyingly bubbly at times. I still love to laugh. I'm still able to make fun of myself. I'm still able to take a joke, even if it's at my expense. My heart is still the same. I still have the carefree mentality of a teenager. It's part of my charm. *wink wink* Those things are still the same. I'm still that girl with stars in her eyes, waiting on her "happy ever after".....BUT
....I've lived. I'm hopeful, not naive. I'm an open book, but I'm not stupid. You disappeared for a month without the slightest bit of a warning. You were there and then suddenly you weren't. Leaving me to wonder what I did wrong....knowing damn well I did nothing wrong. I was just being me. Trying to get to know someone I felt a connection with. Damn those butterflies!
The next time there was contact, I didn't really know what to say to you. Didn't know if I should be mad at you or even talk about the fact that you left me hanging for a MONTH. So, I was awkward. I mean, you didn't promise me anything. Who was I to get upset with you for not talking to me? I mean, I thought we were at least friends. You said "Don't get mad at my impulses, it's my head's fault." What do I say to that? I mean, I tried to be mad, but I couldn't. I think my feelings were hurt more than anything. For the first time in a long time, I was hopeful. I had butterflies whenever we talked. I wanted so badly to believe everything you said and I think I even let myself believe it for a bit......and then you disappeared. AGAIN.
Is it too much to ask for a head's up? "Hey, listen, I'm sorry I said you were beautiful and I wanted you. Changed my mind. Sorry." I could have taken it. The silence is what is killing me. Not a word from you. NOTHING.
I should forget about you. Just be done. Move on. Obviously, if you wanted me in your life in any way, I'd have heard something from you. Crushes, man. Get me every time....I said I was patient, but this is getting ridiculous.
So, congratulations, T. You said you would push me away; and you did. You said you wouldn't let me get close to you and you've prevented that from happening. You said "It's hard to try to start a new relationship, knowing my faults". Well, Mr. M, none of us are perfect. I was more than willing to learn all about you and these faults you kept talking about. You said "this legit scares me"....well guess what?? It's SCARY....and you ran and hid; and I'm still here.
What's scary is that now I don't know if I can believe ANYTHING you said to me. You blocked me and pushed me away before I could show you I was different from the girls in your past. I'M WORTH IT ALL. You finally did find that one girl that wouldn't hurt you for anything in the world. The girl that COULD have loved you the way you need to be loved. The girl who could have accepted every single broken part of you.
Let me tell you about this girl, though. This girl has been through enough heartache to last a lifetime. This girl knows that if she keeps holding on to the idea of you, she will break. She wanted you, too. She was ready for you. She was going to finally open herself up to the idea of being with someone again....for YOU.
This girl knows that someone else probably caught your eye and you were too scared to tell her, so you ghosted.
I'll deal with the thinking of you all the time. That will pass eventually. I can deal with the dreams and the wondering. Eventually, that will fade away.
I just hope that you are happy. I truly do care about you and I hope someday we can reconnect. I won't push you away. Ever. I care for you too much to do that to you.
Meanwhile, I'm just going to live my life. I'm happy, My heart may hurt for a bit, but I'm going to be just fine.
I just hope that if you ever think of me, it is good things that cross your mind and it makes you smile. For what it's worth, those conversations meant more to me than you can imagine; they gave me hope when I really had none left. So, thank you for that.
You know how to reach me.
I wish you well, love.
Sincerely,
Cass <3
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