So, lately, I've been trying to do things that I normally wouldn't do. I started by driving somewhere that I would never dream of driving. I don't do "city driving" well. I live in a small town and I don't like roads that have more than two lanes. Highways...bridges....exits....it all confuses me and makes me extremely uncomfortable.
So, starting from Hillsboro, Ohio, I drove my cousin and I to Newport, Kentucky. Left my place around 10:30pm with the intention of going to see some bands at Southgate House and to catch up with an old friend I hadn't seen in about 15 years. It was going well, until I missed my exit....I was literally 5 minutes or less away from our destination and I missed the exit. Sooo, I find a place to turn around to try to get back on track.
We must have driven AROUND it several times and when we finally found it, I went the WRONG way down a one way street to park. (LOL) Our arrival time: 1:30am. Missed all the bands. However, I did get to see my friend and get a hug. Worth it. (and yes, this friend is just that...a FRIEND) The drive home was way smoother (and way FASTER) than the drive there. It was a fun night! I was super proud of myself for driving so far out of my comfort zone. Which inspired me to do what I did the following weekend.
A local TV station was having a contest to win an audition pass for X Factor auditions in Chicago. Where was this contest held? Across the street from Southgate House. (LOL) Someone else drove. But a group of us went down to enter the contest. We stood in line for 4 hours; just to get into another line. By the time it was our turn to sing, we heard thunder, tornado sirens, and we were drenched. (LOL and I came home with a sunburn....eh?? Only a natural redhead....lol)
I walked in that room, big smile on my face and more nervous than I had ever been in my life. See, I didn't do it because I thought I had a chance at winning. I did it to prove to myself that I could. After I sang my song (which was the second verse and chorus of 'Hear Me' by Kelly Clarkson) my whole body was shaking! The guy said I was "great!" and informed me that if I was a finalist, I'd get a call back and would have to sing again. Unfortunately, none of us got a call back. But that was a big, important day to me. I had proven to myself that I DO have it in me to at least TRY new things.
A couple weeks later, I'm hanging out at the bar with my Dad. The DJ handed me the microphone and there I went. Yes, I was intoxicated, but I belted out 3 songs in a row (Including the full song I used for my audition) I got a lot of compliments, sure, most of them were drunk, but not all of them!! That was enough to build my confidence a little bit.
So, on my birthday, May 19th, I went to Karaoke night with my Dad. Did another Kelly Clarkson song....screwed up the high note (but I didn't care, it was fun! LOL) and it is currently on YouTube. hahahaha
Then I did 'U & Ur Hand' by Pink, got video of that too, but that's just on my Facebook. (lmao) Then, this past Saturday night, I sang again at the bar, this time sharing the mic with my cousin. YAY, drunken fun! So, I'm thinking, I've pretty much drunkenly butchered a few songs, so maybe now I can try it sober.
I think people need to see that I CAN sing....I just shouldn't do it while intoxicated. :D
Ok, so the real reason I felt the need to blog tonight.....*sigh* This past Wednesday (the 18th) marked 2 years since the day my husband told me he was moving out. This year was much tougher than last year. I'm not sure why. Most days, I'm fine. Only little reminders every now and then, push it to the back of my mind and ignore the ache in my heart.....
Not so easy anymore. Maybe I just need to face the fact that I won't fall in love with someone else because my heart is so freakin stubborn and still holding on to something that's been gone for 2 years. Stupid heart.
My brain tells me the stuff I should be feeling, but my damn heart still won't let go. No matter what he's done, no matter how much he has hurt me, I guess I should admit that I am still in love with him. I don't want to admit it. Makes me feel weak. And stupid. Because obviously, I don't mean anything to him anymore; if I ever did at all. 2 YEARS!!! I hate this.
I've proven to myself that I am strong. I've proven to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to! I've proven to myself that I don't NEED a man in my life. What is it about this man that I can't let go of??? I don't understand!!
I've prayed to God to take this away. Take away my love for this man who cheated on me, lied to me throughout most of our marriage, and left me for another woman. Take away this ache in me that I can't ignore anymore. Take away this sadness because he is no longer in my life at all....not even as a friend.
Take away the pang I feel every time I'm at my mother's and her screensaver pops up, showing me my wedding pictures.....it should NOT still effect me!! I should feel NOTHING for this man!! Instead, I feel EVERYTHING....just as strongly as the day I married him.
This is ridiculous. I just have to leave my heart open to the possibility of caring for someone else. I think up until now, I thought I was open to it, but I realize that I've pushed away anyone who could have been interested in me. Some with good reason....some without any reason at all. I need to truly be open to it or it'll never happen. Deep down is that what I truly want? I'd like to think so. If I met someone incredible and sweet, I'd like to think I'd forget about the last two years. Who knows? Cause I sure as hell don't.
So, starting from Hillsboro, Ohio, I drove my cousin and I to Newport, Kentucky. Left my place around 10:30pm with the intention of going to see some bands at Southgate House and to catch up with an old friend I hadn't seen in about 15 years. It was going well, until I missed my exit....I was literally 5 minutes or less away from our destination and I missed the exit. Sooo, I find a place to turn around to try to get back on track.
We must have driven AROUND it several times and when we finally found it, I went the WRONG way down a one way street to park. (LOL) Our arrival time: 1:30am. Missed all the bands. However, I did get to see my friend and get a hug. Worth it. (and yes, this friend is just that...a FRIEND) The drive home was way smoother (and way FASTER) than the drive there. It was a fun night! I was super proud of myself for driving so far out of my comfort zone. Which inspired me to do what I did the following weekend.
A local TV station was having a contest to win an audition pass for X Factor auditions in Chicago. Where was this contest held? Across the street from Southgate House. (LOL) Someone else drove. But a group of us went down to enter the contest. We stood in line for 4 hours; just to get into another line. By the time it was our turn to sing, we heard thunder, tornado sirens, and we were drenched. (LOL and I came home with a sunburn....eh?? Only a natural redhead....lol)
I walked in that room, big smile on my face and more nervous than I had ever been in my life. See, I didn't do it because I thought I had a chance at winning. I did it to prove to myself that I could. After I sang my song (which was the second verse and chorus of 'Hear Me' by Kelly Clarkson) my whole body was shaking! The guy said I was "great!" and informed me that if I was a finalist, I'd get a call back and would have to sing again. Unfortunately, none of us got a call back. But that was a big, important day to me. I had proven to myself that I DO have it in me to at least TRY new things.
A couple weeks later, I'm hanging out at the bar with my Dad. The DJ handed me the microphone and there I went. Yes, I was intoxicated, but I belted out 3 songs in a row (Including the full song I used for my audition) I got a lot of compliments, sure, most of them were drunk, but not all of them!! That was enough to build my confidence a little bit.
So, on my birthday, May 19th, I went to Karaoke night with my Dad. Did another Kelly Clarkson song....screwed up the high note (but I didn't care, it was fun! LOL) and it is currently on YouTube. hahahaha
Then I did 'U & Ur Hand' by Pink, got video of that too, but that's just on my Facebook. (lmao) Then, this past Saturday night, I sang again at the bar, this time sharing the mic with my cousin. YAY, drunken fun! So, I'm thinking, I've pretty much drunkenly butchered a few songs, so maybe now I can try it sober.
I think people need to see that I CAN sing....I just shouldn't do it while intoxicated. :D
Ok, so the real reason I felt the need to blog tonight.....*sigh* This past Wednesday (the 18th) marked 2 years since the day my husband told me he was moving out. This year was much tougher than last year. I'm not sure why. Most days, I'm fine. Only little reminders every now and then, push it to the back of my mind and ignore the ache in my heart.....
Not so easy anymore. Maybe I just need to face the fact that I won't fall in love with someone else because my heart is so freakin stubborn and still holding on to something that's been gone for 2 years. Stupid heart.
My brain tells me the stuff I should be feeling, but my damn heart still won't let go. No matter what he's done, no matter how much he has hurt me, I guess I should admit that I am still in love with him. I don't want to admit it. Makes me feel weak. And stupid. Because obviously, I don't mean anything to him anymore; if I ever did at all. 2 YEARS!!! I hate this.
I've proven to myself that I am strong. I've proven to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to! I've proven to myself that I don't NEED a man in my life. What is it about this man that I can't let go of??? I don't understand!!
I've prayed to God to take this away. Take away my love for this man who cheated on me, lied to me throughout most of our marriage, and left me for another woman. Take away this ache in me that I can't ignore anymore. Take away this sadness because he is no longer in my life at all....not even as a friend.
Take away the pang I feel every time I'm at my mother's and her screensaver pops up, showing me my wedding pictures.....it should NOT still effect me!! I should feel NOTHING for this man!! Instead, I feel EVERYTHING....just as strongly as the day I married him.
This is ridiculous. I just have to leave my heart open to the possibility of caring for someone else. I think up until now, I thought I was open to it, but I realize that I've pushed away anyone who could have been interested in me. Some with good reason....some without any reason at all. I need to truly be open to it or it'll never happen. Deep down is that what I truly want? I'd like to think so. If I met someone incredible and sweet, I'd like to think I'd forget about the last two years. Who knows? Cause I sure as hell don't.
But I miss him. It was easier when he was allowed to be my friend....when he wanted to be my friend. But since he is truly gone from my life, maybe that is why I'm feeling it so strongly this year. I can shake this, right?
Please, Dear God.....something has got to give....
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