Twinkle Twinkle Little Star....how I wonder what you are.....

Hello, again, Internet.
Thought I'd post another blog tonight; as I am VERY bored at the moment.

Nothing exciting to report; not really. I got a new tattoo (yay!) and gonna get my old one fixed/covered up soon. So there's that. OH and my caddy died (RIP) and I got a new vehicle. I love my Equinox and it gets better gas mileage; so yay for saving money.

Ya know, I wish I liked football. Or sports, in general. Or hunting. Or racing. Or cars/trucks.
Those manly things that men like-- they seem to want women who like the same. I can't help it. I'm not going to pretend to like something just to get a man interested in me.
To me, that's the same as lying.

But instead, I like movies, TV, music, and video games. I'm like an overgrown teenager. It annoys me sometimes; but only when I forget that I am actually a 41 year old woman.

Crap. In 3 months, I'll be 42. *sigh*

I wish I was taller, thinner, prettier. I used to think that I would find a man who would be interested in me for ME and not be so - what's the word??- "concerned"? --about what I look like on the outside.
Don't get me wrong; I think I'm freakin cute as hell; BUT I also know, that there aren't many men out there that "prefer" my body type. Ya know, that's okay, though. It's their loss anyway.
Because, when I love, I love with EVERYTHING I am. Some don't deserve that kind of devotion, respect, loyalty, love and affection. (or the great sex....just sayin *wink wink*)

I wish I was smarter. I know I'm not dumb or unintelligent; but there are things I wish I knew more about. I've thought about going to college again and working toward another degree; I still might. But I really don't have the time or energy to deal with that right now. Maybe someday. In the meantime, I shall read what interests me and that'll be enough. For now.

I wish that men my age would grow up. Stop chasing the 20 year olds that everyone knows won't last long. They rarely do. I mean, come on. Really?? When I'm interested in someone younger I'm a "Cougar"....*rolls eyes*  What are men called when they are interested in someone younger?? MEN.

Whatever. I've dated younger men before and to be completely honest, they are way more fun to be around. Just sayin. What I'm trying to say is men like younger women; so where does that leave us "older women"? Alone and frustrated.

I wish that someone would actually LOOK at the real me. Not my weight, not my height, not my  hair color.....just get to know ME. I guess even then, no matter how "great" my personality, it always comes down to the physical.  I mean, I'm not morbidly obese; but I'm not a size 2 either. Not thin enough to be "hot" but not fat enough for "chubby chasers".....quite a predicament, huh? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I wish I wasn't so concerned with it myself, but alas, I feel that I can always improve myself. I'm not unhealthy (physically)--I'm  healthier than a lot of thin people, actually and I'm gonna get back into my work out routine soon. My only quirk? I get sad sometimes. Which I'm happy to add that I'm off my antidepressants AND my anti anxiety meds. Gonna see how that goes and if need be, I'll be back on them. However, I feel great right now.

I'm happy! Feels odd to say that, but it's true.

My kiddos are doing great! My grandbaby is doing great! I'm doing great!

I just wish that I had someone to share it with. You know, without trying to change WHO I am.

I don't think that's too much to ask. Do you?

Until next time folks.

<3
Cass

Dear 2018: Bye Bitch.....Dear 2019: Whatchoo got for me?

'Sup, Internet? I'm back, bitches! Long time no bloggity blog.....but oh well....I'm back now and that's all that matters. Right?

So here's my end of 2018/beginning of 2019 blog post. Haven't done one of these in awhile. Should be interesting where this one goes!


2018 TRIED to end me. It didn't work. But let me back up.

January....so much snow! Missed work a few times because I was literally stuck. My car wasn't going anywhere. Enter the "scared I'm gonna lose my job" anxiety. February....someone broke into my apartment and stole my living room TV. Enter the "omg, someone could have killed me" anxiety and me refusing to go to work the next day until the landlord sent someone to change my locks.
March...informed my landlord that I was moving the first week of April.
April....moved uptown into a cute little loft style studio apartment. By myself for the first time EVER.
May.....my youngest  son decided he wanted to live with me. Enter "omg how am I gonna pay the lawyer" anxiety. It got done and he is now living with me.
June tried to suffocate us all with the heat.....I think that's all I got concerning that month; although the anxiety was starting to worry me and I felt my depression trying to sneak up on me again.
July.....by the end of that month, I went to see my doctor. The depression and anxiety had me by the neck. (only because I can't realistically say "balls" LOL) My worst depressive episode to date. Didn't want to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. I was either numb or upset over something I didn't even understand. I say "my brain broke" but really, it was me. I broke. I needed help.
My MDD (major depressive disorder) was upgraded from "moderate" to "severe" and I got an official diagnosis of GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).
I was put on a leave of absence from work to start meds, counseling, and so that I could go to follow up appointments to monitor my meds and what was helping and what was not. I pretty much spent 3 months on my couch watching Netflix and Hulu. I didn't want to do ANYTHING else.

I became a grandmother (MiMi!) on October 18th. My grandson, Atticus, is beyond perfect!
That's when I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Baby snuggles are great antidepressants!

I went back to work October 29th. Felt good to be back. Meds working okay and I felt human again.
Began helping in other departments at work whenever it's needed or asked of me.
I love my coworkers; they make me feel accepted (for the most part LOL), needed, and most of all my help is wanted and appreciated. Which makes me feel good.

The grandbaby gave us a scare and needed surgery because he was getting sick and not gaining weight. In fact, he had gotten below his birth weight when they admitted him to the hospital. He got his surgery and is doing much better now.....we even get smiles now!

Ok, so health....job....now onto.....

yeah....that hasn't gotten any better. My nonexistent love life still remains a joke to me and most people I know. I can laugh at myself. I don't really care what other people think and I believe it's funny, as well.
HOWEVER, I REALLY need to stop getting interested in guys who are way too young for me and would never even consider me a possibility. It's okay, tho....it's VERY entertaining and makes me laugh. They didn't make them that hot when I was that age. So NOT fair!
It's really not my fault, though, honest! I've been single since 2014!! And pretty much celibate for 17 months (and counting lol) Hell, I haven't even been kissed since 2016.
Sorry, TMI....but that's what yet get when ya read my blog. Shit you didn't really want to know. HAHAHA
So anyway, my options are wide open. I'm entering into 2019 with open eyes and open heart, ready to love again. Yes, I'm a mushy, corny, old pervert. I call it hopeless romanticism.
Whatever. LOL I know something is coming soon. Someone. We'll see.

I've been researching a lot of different spiritual paths the last few months that I'm not ready to discuss yet, but I can say this....I like what I've been reading and it makes me feel whole ...(for lack of a better phrase). It just makes a lot of sense to me and I feel a connection.  So  many questions I've had growing up a certain way, now have at least been somewhat answered in a way that I can understand and perhaps embrace. I still have a lot of learning to do.

So yeah....2018 tried to do me in. Like it would be that easy???

That's cute.



So, 2019....whatcha got for me? I'm ready.


<3

Please.....

So yeah, this is going to be a long one folks. Keep in mind, this is my opinion and something I feel the need to share. You don't have to like it and some of you may not agree with a single word of this. But that's not my problem.........as I said, this is just my opinion. My family is no stranger to addiction. I’ve seen it. I’ve watched it. I’ve been mad and I’ve been sad. It’s very frustrating to witness. Especially when it’s a loved one....and a loved one gone. So before I start rambling, I wanna to say that I’m sending prayers of comfort and healing to Johnny’s family and friends. I haven’t seen him much since high school, just in passing. We didn’t hang with the same crowds. He was a good person and no one will convince me otherwise. BUT, this isn’t really about him. The newspaper says “possible OD”, so I’m not going to assume that’s what it was, but it really got my head spinning. This is to address any person who has EVER uttered (or typed) the words “let the junkies die”-or some variation of it. Not every situation is the same and not every addict got that way by going straight to the “hard drugs”. “They chose to use!”, however, quite frankly, it DOESN’T MATTER. Yes, it started with a choice, but so does an STD.....but that’s something people don’t talk about. Lung disease, COPD--let’s face it, people choose to smoke...you don’t see people saying “Let them die, they chose it!” AND people who’ve never smoked a day in their life have developed it, as well...they DIDN’T choose it. Can you tell the difference between the two? The smoker and the one who just got screwed? NO. My point is, you cannot tell the difference between an addict who became addicted by “partying and having a good time” and the addict who is dependent on pain medication to manage a chronic condition. Or the addict who became dependent on painkillers after a major surgery. Or how about the ones with an undiagnosed mental illness, just trying to numb whatever is going on in their mind....CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE? NO YOU CAN’T. NO ONE CAN!! So let’s STOP picking and choosing who you think deserves to live and who deserves to die. NONE OF YOU ARE GOD. NONE OF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHO IS WORTHY AND WHO IS NOT. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?! Almost daily I see posts on Facebook saying “let them die” and “it’s their own fault” and “who cares about dumb junkies”.....It makes me sad the world I live in. Makes me super sad when I see people I know saying things like this, but when it’s someone THEY KNOW....totally different attitude. Don’t be a hypocrite!! Where people’s first thought is “Let them die” instead of “How did they get this way? How could we have helped them?”....it’s just heartbreaking. Judging them and shaming them makes it worse! Don’t you see?? If enough people tell you something bad about yourself and enough times, you start to believe it. Think about it; if enough people told you that they wanted you to die, you might start thinking maybe you should. Maybe everyone would be better off. NOT ALL people jump to that, though. They need HELP. Not judgement. Granted, if they don’t want help, there’s not much you can do....but guess what? I THINK THEY WANT HELP, SOME JUST DON’T ADMIT TO IT or they just don’t know how to go about it. How about we try the opposite of that logic and see how that works? Tell someone they are worthy and they are loved enough....they’ll start to believe it to! Ha, how easy would it be?? Not a hard thing to do at....be loving and compassionate! It’s infuriating how FOREIGN this concept seems to be!! SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES IS FOR SOMEONE TO CARE ENOUGH. TO MAKE THEM FEEL THAT THEY ARE WORTHY OF RECOVERY! IT CAN BE DONE! Someone wise once told me “You can’t love them well”. Which is right. You can’t love someone out of a sickness or mental illness. HOWEVER, I feel that if THEY FEEL LOVED, they just might start loving themselves enough to REALLY give it a try. EVERY SOUL ON THIS PLANET DESERVES TO LIVE. Let me repeat that, in case some of you didn’t get it the first time: EVERY SOUL ON THIS PLANET DESERVES TO LIVE!!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE! NO EXCEPTIONS!! We are ALL human. Granted, there are some who deserve to live in prison where they won’t harm another human being, but nonetheless, still deserve to live. The really evil people still deserve to live.......but away from others. NO this is not a debate about the death penalty. Don’t get me wrong, I think child molesters and rapists should have their private parts cut off and burned; but still live. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole “eye for an eye” thing; taking anyone’s life just doesn’t sit right with me; two wrongs don’t make it right...just sayin. I don't believe any of us have the right to decide that about anyone. Self defense is a different story, though. But I digress. Back to my point. No one CHOOSES to be an addict. Some interesting information here: A little outdated, but still informative. http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/29/health/gupta-unintended-consequences/ Anyway, I’m scared. I’m scared for the people struggling. I’m scared for the people I care about. I’m scared for me, as well. Why? Because recently I was diagnosed with a form of arthritis that cannot be cured, only “managed”. From what I’ve read, there’s a chance that it will get very painful. Common treatment: Opioid painkillers. I don’t want to be an addict. I will try anything and everything before I will agree to take those. I think I’d start smoking pot first. BUT what if it DOES get that bad? What if that is my only relief? I don’t believe I have an addictive personality, however, I’m also being treated for depression. I have my meds for that, but this kind of stuff really does scare me. What if I DO get addicted? What if I have one of my “dark days” and decide I don’t care, a whim....a spontaneous f**k it, kind of day and I abuse or misuse the medication to feel better?? I don’t think I would ever intentionally......however, what if? There are too many what ifs.....It’s scary! It can happen to anyone! Love each other people. Love the lost. Love the ones who shy away from it. Most of all, love those who CLAIM they don’t want it....those are the ones who need it the most. Take a long hard look at yourself the next time you think about saying “Let the junkies die”; that’s like walking into a psych ward with suicidal patients and saying “Let them die”. IT’S JUST NOT RIGHT...and some may take it to heart and actually do it. Everyone up in arms about bullying.....what do you think all that talk is?? GROWN ADULTS BULLYING!! JUST FREAKIN STOP IT! It’s a mental ILLNESS....a BRAIN ILLNESS; deny it all you want but addiction has been classified AS A DISEASE. Just because you don’t want to agree, doesn’t mean you’re right!!! I mean, those people went to school for a very long time...I think they know what they are talking about. If you still don't believe, look up the definition of "disease" and "addiction". It’s simple. Put yourself in their shoes......would YOU want to be treated that way? Treat others the way you want to be treated. IT’S THAT SIMPLE!! The golden freakin rule, y’all! You never know when life may take a dramatic turn for YOU. You don’t know everyone’s story. You don’t know everyone’s heart. NEVER assume! Ok, lecture done. However, I want to say something to every addict who may read this: People love you. You are worth saving. You are worth loving. Please get help. Not everyone judges so harshly. We know you don’t want to be this way. We know that you are lost. We know you battle your own brain every single day. You can be strong. You can fight it. Find one reason within your heart....Not your family or friends....we all know sometimes that is not enough motivation. IT HAS TO BE FOR YOU. YOU have to want it. YOU have to decide. Get clean or you will die. Please, don’t die. Be safe. Come back to the world. It misses you. THE REAL YOU. The YOU that you still have time to be. The YOU that you truly want to be. We love you and we want YOU to love you, too.

Dear Men....(yes I'm going there....)

Dear Men,

So here's the thing....I need to vent. Because after so much time has past (is 3 years a long time? I think so) I FINALLY had a man actually ask ME out. For those of you who don't know me well, this is a big deal to me. I've been single for 3 years and have barely dated since.
After years of being the one to initiate conversations and being that girl not afraid of showing her interest in someone, someone actually showed interest in me---without me putting the idea in their head first! (LOL)
Let me rephrase this a little.....a man who I actually decided I wanted to get to know. I mean, it took him a week to get me to agree to out with him. He called me beautiful when we went out on a date. We talked. A LOT. I enjoyed his company. I thought he enjoyed mine; after all our date ended around 5am. (No, I did not have sex with him...sheesh. Pervs.)

Anyway, our conversations led me to believe that I would see him again. He claimed he had a crush on me for the last 17 years.... "I'm here with my crush...I'm in heaven!" (yeah I know....I fell for it. I'm such a girl.)

Moral of the story:
HEY GUYS....IF YOU'RE NOT OVER YOUR EX, DO NOT.....
......call another girl beautiful to her face
......speak as if it's the start of something if you don't have intentions of seeing her again
......call her sweetie, gorgeous, sweetheart
......tell her that you are different from any man that's ever done her wrong ("I'm not your ex; I'm a good man and I can prove it")
......tell her that you will treat her better than any man ever has or ever will
......tell her that she's "scared of you" and you're "not the sissy in this relationship"
.....hang out with your ex girlfriend the next night and not expect her to ask you about it
.....back up and say that you told her you weren't looking for a relationship
....that you have "things to work out" in your life and you don't want to be with anyone
.......then get back with your ex after saying "I'm 100% done with her.")

Yeah, so.....long story short: He got back with his ex. Said he didn't say some of the things he said. (That's okay...I still have the messages) Then he and his ex broke up again.

I think they are about to get back together again....or he's about to mess with someone else's head. I honestly don't know. I unfriended him and unfollowed him. Which sucks, because I really do like him. Even after all that has happened. I wasn't done getting to know him.

...umm, really?

Guys, if you don't know what you want, do NOT involve another person. Do NOT mess with someone's mind and emotions just because you're lonely OR you want to make your ex jealous.
....do NOT claim to have a crush and then treat her this way....that's not a crush, hun....that's a passing flirtation.

DO NOT TAKE A GIRL OUT, TELL HER SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, TALK TO HER ALL NIGHT, MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL......DON'T give her hope and then take it all away....
.........and then try to say you meant every word.

She won't believe you.

I've been told you are a great guy. A sweetheart. Nice, kind....all those things that I like. Although I saw those qualities on our date, I did not see them afterwards.
You don't want me to see you in a negative light. You didn't mean to hurt me or lead me on. Yeah, ok. Things changed and you saw a chance to get back with your ex. I was in the wrong place, wrong time and I got caught in your crossfire....

I may not have reacted in the best way possible to this whole situation, but you did say we'd be friends. Well, friends don't ignore messages.
Unfriend. Unfollow.
So that's that. One date and I can't get this guy out of my head. WTF?
Yes, I am still stupid...still trying to believe that there is someone special out there meant for only me.
That's my delusion and I'll hang on to it until I die. Even if I die alone.

Done venting now.
It's whatever.
I wish him well.

.......I'll go back to being a hermit now.

Until next time, folks.

<3

Goodbye 2016....Hello 2017!

So, I'm sitting here at 11:22pm with a glass of blackberry merlot. Reflecting. Remembering the year. The ups and downs as there have been many.

I would like to focus on the positives. The beginning of 2016 I felt like a fat cow. So, I decided to do something about it. I've been working out and started actually going to the gym in August. I've only lost 20 pounds and then gained some weight back in muscle because, that's what happens when you do strength training and lift weights. *wink* Still going strong and this next year, I'm gonna keep it going.

My son had a battle with mono this year....so glad that is over. It took them months to actually figure out what was wrong with him. He got suspended from school, almost expelled. Finished the year at ECOT after I laid the smackdown on the superintendent (verbally of course and with a lawyer present) Now he's in laurel oaks and much happier. He loves it there.

Both my boys have their driver's permits now. *sigh* I'm getting old.

Love life this year....disappointing, yet there were a few positives. My life has been better having known certain people. Being close to certain people. I will cherish that always. Still one I can't get outta my mind, but you'll have that with the truly special people. *wink* You know who you are. We could have been something special, but alas, it was not meant to be. Glad he and I still friends.

Job is going well. Busier and busier. Opportunities all over the place. Change is not always bad. Hopeful for a new start to the new year.

This summer I finally moved into a home that I love.

In October, I did some "modeling". Yes, I put that in quotes because I am nowhere NEAR a professional model....hahaha, it was a great experience and I want to do it again.

No New Year's resolutions for me. Just hope.

Hope for new opportunities.
Hope for new beginnings.
Hope for health.
Hope for happiness.
Hope for positivity.
.....but most of all,  hope for love. I know it will happen someday. I have way too much love in my heart and too much to offer someone special to give up now. Besides, I'm about to turn 40 in a few months. *sigh*


May the New Year bring all that and more to all y'all.

10 minutes left.

Goodbye, 2016......Hello, 2017!!!

Love ya'll <3

The Men I've Loved

The first boy I loved I never really dated. We shared a few kisses, a couple slow dances, and a song....but he never chose me. Ah the teenage first love is always doomed.
The second boy I loved, I gave him my body. We were supposed to get married. Instead, he cheated on me.
The third boy I loved went to juvie for rape.
The fourth boy I loved--ghosted.
The fifth boy I loved dumped me for his ex.
The sixth boy I loved, I left because he was mentally unstable and had a temper. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. He gave me a son but stayed out of our lives.

The first man I loved made me a wife and gave me another son, but was distant and cared more about strangers and his work than our family. We tried to make it work for 7 years. It didn't.
The second man I loved made me his wife.....then he cheated and left me for her because he fell in love. Less than 2 years after we got married.
The third man I loved had to follow his ex out of state just to be with his kids--Twice. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years.

All but 3 of these men are now married. All but 1 are in a relationship. Then there is one that I don't even know what his status is, because as I said before, he's stayed out of my life.

So, what's love ever done for me to make me still want it? While it has given me memories and my children, it hasn't given me anything else but lies, pain, and feeling like it's my fault. Apparently I was the problem, considering most of them are married now.

So, why am I not good enough for a love that lasts?

Every time I love, I get hurt. Perhaps it's just not meant for me.

CRY FAT CRY !!

Hello, again, Internet!!! 

Have some more progress pics. :) 

More to come! Can't wait to see what changes the next month will bring! :) 

Loves y'all <3

To you....Thank you

I tried to be a light for you and you ended up being a light for me.
You made me feel special.
You made me feel pretty.
You made me feel beautiful.
You made me feel sexy.
You made me feel intelligent.
You made me feel worthy.
You made me feel ok with being me.
You made me feel safe.
You made me feel comfortable.
You made me feel happy.


You made me feel.

While I was trying to lift you up, instead you lifted ME. You made me look at things in a different light. You made me THINK. You made me wonder. You made me want to shine, when all I wanted was to see YOU shine. To see you smile.

You brought back mine.

You'll never understand what you have done for me, just by being my friend.

So even if you slowly pull away from me. Even if you never speak to me again. I want you to know, that you made a difference.

Thank you.

The Road So Far (Yes, that's a #Supernatural reference....)

HELLO, INTERNET!!!!

Another journey update! 

I started this is February. I wish I had taken better "before" pics then, but I was ashamed of how I looked. I was depressed and had NO motivation to do anything. Depression has kicked my booty on more than one occasion and trust me, I blame most of my weight issues on that alone. I didn't care. I didn't want to move and I ate my emotions. I'm gonna be honest and for the first time publicly I will share the actual numbers. 

Starting weight: 202 lbs. That was my wakeup call to get off my butt!! I'm only 5'2", y'all....

The first pic below, I had already lost around 7 pounds. Second pic, 12 pounds, 3rd 22 pounds....last one is funny because although I lost inches, I am actually UP 7.5 pounds. Frustrating, however, we all know that muscle weighs more than fat. I'm focusing on the physical changes and not the actual numbers on the scale, which at this time is 187.5 pounds. 

I stopped drinking Mt. Dew February 8th (have not had it since!) I started drinking diet pepsi and diet dr. pepper. About 3 weeks ago, I stopped drinking pop/soda altogether. I'll be honest, though. I have had 2 twenty two ounce fountain drinks (diet pepsi), 1 thirty two ounce fountain drink (diet pepsi) and 1 twenty ounce bottle of diet dr pepper. This has been spread out. Just an indulgence every now and then, but most of the time it's water. Sometimes I'll have milk or tea and after my workouts, I'll have a muscle milk (chocolate, of course) 

I go to the gym at least 3 times a week. Upper body on Tuesdays, Lower body on Thursdays, and Full body (cardio) on Fridays. Those are classes I take....and they are only ONE HOUR LONG. On the days I'm not at the gym, I do some light stuff at home, just to keep my body used to it. I do take at least one day off each week, sometimes two. 

I'm not on any fancy fad diet. The only thing I've changed in regards to my diet is the elimination of Mt. Dew, the drastic reduction in pop/soda, and sometimes, instead of having pizza, I'll have a salad....and that's not really as often as it should be. I'll focus more on my diet in the weeks to come, but for now, I'm focusing on maintaining my activity levels. 

I'll be the first to tell you when I started this, I was lazy. I even slacked off in May, June, and July. I'd have more progress if I hadn't. From February until the middle of May, I was only on my recumbent bike about a half hour a day, sometimes a full hour.  I didn't start going to the gym regularly until August 16th....that's right.....5 weeks!! 1 HOUR, 3 times a week for the last 5 weeks.

My point is, this CAN be done if you have the willpower and determination to STICK WITH IT! You don't need all that fancy expensive fads to do this. Good old fashioned exercise will do it! Combined, of course, with eating better and portion control. 

IF I CAN DO THIS, ANYONE CAN!!!

Also, it helps to have people cheering you on. I love and appreciate every single person who has encouraged me so far. I've still got a long way to go and I'm not stopping ever!

#CRYFATCRY #AKF #NEVERGIVEUP #IAMENOUGH 

Until next time.....loves y'all <3

Deep thoughts.....wondering, what if, and why not....

I saw a post on Facebook not long ago that got me thinking.  This post was about a couple who had been married, I dunno, 60 years or something like that who had died within hours of each other.  A couple in their 90s. I'm sure it's made it's way around all the social media sites. Talking about true love and all that.  Soulmates and whatnot. Kinda makes me sad that I am at an age where I will never celebrate a golden anniversary with anyone....that is, unless I live to be 100 years old. Who knows, it still may be possible, but I doubt it.

But that's okay. I have love in my life.

There are so many kinds of love. The love you have for your family, the love you have for your friends, the love you have for special people in your life.

My heart is full of love. It's basically who I am. My world revolves around it. Pretty funny for a single gal, I know, but stay with me here.

Besides the obvious, family and close friends, I wanna talk about the special people.

Those people who come into your life and make you see and feel things in a different way. Those that open your eyes to different perspectives. Those people that you just feel connected to in a way that makes them your favorite people.

I'm not talking about being in love with someone. You can love a person without being IN love with them. You can love someone's mind. Someone's thoughts. Someone's view of the world and those around them. I know and love several people who are like this.

I'm not in love with anyone. I'm not currently in a relationship with someone. I am free to see whomever I want. Not only is nobody asking, there's no one whom I am interested in seeing....except one.  However, we're at different places mentally, emotionally. So, it is what it is. No promises, no demands, no expectations. The way he wants it.

I wonder if I should walk away. Sometimes, I want to, but I know I can't. He's special. No, I'm not in love. I could be if I allowed myself, but when a man says "Don't get attached to me"....that's a clear sign not to walk down that particular road. Doesn't matter how much we have in common. It doesn't matter that we could talk for hours. It doesn't matter that we could sit in silence and not worry about filling it with words.  It doesn't matter that I don't get nervous around him, that there is only a comfortable relaxation. It doesn't matter that I like the way I feel when I'm with him. Perhaps he and I are just meant to be friends who can talk to each other about anything without fear of judgement. He has such a beautiful soul and a kind heart. He truly is an amazing person. I'd love to explore more than friendship with him and he knows that. Again, he's made it clear that he's not ready for more than that.  I will respect that and just continue to be there for him when he needs to talk. I will continue to spend as much time with him as I am able. I will be his friend unless by some miracle, he decides he wants more. (A girl can dream, right?) Meanwhile, I will just enjoy whatever time I get and I will not invest my heart, unless he asks me to.

Who knows, I may meet someone who is looking for what I have to offer. Someone who wants only me. Someone who will appreciate everything I am and love me for me. For the person I am on the inside, not what the world sees. Someone who won't care how much I weigh. Someone who I've been praying for since the last time I got my heart shattered into pieces. A lot of time and patience has put my heart back together. So, I'm very cautious of who I will let in my heart in a romantic way. Sad that after only about 4 months, there is someone who could just walk right in if they decided they wanted to. That is not going to happen anytime soon, so my heart is safe.  I refuse to fall in love with someone who has no interest in falling for me. I'm grateful to have gotten to know him. It's nice to be friends with someone who has some of the same thoughts you do. Makes you feel less alone.

I've just got to keep that "what if" out of my head and the "why not?" My imagination is too vivid for those thoughts. I'm not in love with him, but I love the person that he is. Why would someone that amazing want me anyway? Then I think to myself, why not? I'm just as amazing as he is. I've got to stop letting my little insecurities keep me from at least trying. Who knows what will happen. Just gotta live day by day and see how it goes. My happy little ass will be okay either way.

Hell, he might read this and decide to never speak to me again. It's happened before, why should he be any different?
Because I'd like to think that he IS different.

Even if I am just "practice".

Whatever is going to happen, will happen.
What's meant to happen, will happen.
What's not meant to happen, won't.

.......I guess we'll see how it plays out. Meanwhile, I'll just be over here, overthinking.

It's just who I am.

loves y'all <3